Discover a magical world under the sea.
A place where adventure and magic come together...
...in a magical adventure of magic and adventure for the whole family.
Sealab, drown yourself in a magical adventure.
- How much ass does that kick? - How much--?
You borrowed 100 grand against Sealab to make this?
A hundred and three or so.
And now we have to get tourists to come down here...
...to pay back the money you spent on a commercial...
...to get tourists to come down here to pay back the money...
...we didn't even owe before you made this stupid commercial!
Or we could lose Sealab.
And, you know, with that attitude of yours, I can go either way.
- I really can. - Well, I can't.
I'm not gonna let the damn bank take Sealab.
And that can-do attitude is why you're the new head bartender.
- Oh, this is great. - Oh, it's metal. Look.
- Welcome to Sealab, everybody. - Grand Canyon, my ass.
- When do we eat? - I'm Captain Murphy...
...and you are in for the vacation of a lifetime.
Breathtaking undersea adventures, world-class floorshows and dining...
-...and if you came to relax... - One, two, three.
-...then just put your chubby legs-- - He has special needs.
- Is that contagious? - No, you silly billy. It's not contagious.
Well, then, let's get your amazingly expensive Sealab vacation started.
Look at that.
I'm so excited about being here and eating food.
Little egg-brain over there, isolate and contain.
- Okay, yeah, I'm on it. - Look at me.
- Isolate and contain. - Four.
Fourteen, 15, 16, 17.
- Honey. Honey, I'm so excited about this. - Oh, I got that.
- Before we start, I have to... - Do you guys have an outlet?
Hey! Before we start, I have to ask a few questions for safety reasons.
Now, are any women here pregnant?
Well, maybe tonight after the big masquerade ball:
Paul Shaffer look-alike guy, everybody. Give him a hand.
You're cuckoo wacky, babe.
Okay, is anyone menstruating?
I know it's embarrassing, but this is for your own safety.
Is anyone menstruating?
- Oh, I am. - You're having your period? Now?
- Yes. - Okay, when did your period start?
...
-I think Thursday. - You think or you know?
- Come on, big one, get it together. - Yes, Thursday. Thursday night.
Thursday. Okay. Her period started on Thursday.
- Thursday. - Now, do you have sex when menstruating?
- What? - Never mind. Hey, you're doing great.
All right, now, could you do me a favor and hop in the pool?
- But I'm on my period. - Yes, you've made that painfully clear.
- Now, get in the pool. - Okay. Here goes.
Watch closely, everybody.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. Look, they're killing her.
- That's terrible. - It's a dolphin, but he's eating her.
Some went in my eye.
Let that be a lesson to you, people.
Aunt Flo drives these animals crazy.
But the brochure said there were...
-...eleven different bars down here. - Oh, sure.
There's Beyond Liquor Dome, Exscurvy, Shank.
- Where do we get something to drink? - How about some breakfast first, big guy?
- Nope, can't wait. - Can we check on our kids?
No need to worry. They're having a great time with Serf or Clown.
Okay, okay. No, no, no, kid. Just roll the smoke around in your mouth.
- Learn to savor it. - Señor Clown, I gonna throw up.
That means it's working. I'm glad. That's a Cohiba Robusto.
- Señor clown - It's really bueno, kid.
I want my mommy.
Señor Clown wants your mommy too, kid. Shut up.
Hey.
What's that free Welcome Aboard drink like? Is it good?
The Welcome Aboard is red wine with a shot of mole sauce in it.
- Who the hell would order that? - Nobody. Want a martini?
- Yeah. Two, please. - Twenty-two dollars.
- For two martinis? - Apiece.
- Are you serious? - Olive's a buck extra.
- That's robbery. - Come on, you know you gotta have it.
- Look at your hand shaking. - Dish it up, cookie.
Hey, how's it looking, Sparks? Our guests having a gay old Sealab time?
Well, most of the adults are doing the ecotourism challenge. Observe.
People, today you are not just tourists.
You are eco-warriors.
Well, in the brochure, it said we'd be tagging endangered species of fish.
- I'm gonna tag your damn fish, fat man. - What?
Did I ask you to talk? Let me do that again. Didn't mean to cut you off.
- What? - Hush. Now.
Who can tell me the ocean's number one enemy?
- The sky? - The--
You're just talking crazy, fat man. It's plastic, people. Plas--
I'm sorry.
Hush! So today we gonna help save the ocean...
...by putting these little choky plastic bits in glass safety domes.
- Hey, these are just Sealab souvenirs. - You're damn right, shorty.
Now, get to work.
- Don't mess with my money, hear? - That's my spoon.
I need to get paid.
And the rest of the grown-ups are on the Moonlight Rendez-cruise.
- Oh, honey. This is fantastic. - Look there. What is that? Octopi.
I mean, I love this.
And over there is some coral and a lot of other stuff.
- I'm really hungry and-- - Oh, my God, my foot!
- Stop the boat, guys. - We got a man cut back here.
- Oh, man, who's bleeding back there? - Oh, God, I'm cut bad.
Hey, if you look right behind you, you'll see some of our ocean friends.
And holy crap, that's a shark.
- Oh, my God. - Look at that shark.
Everybody, give a big shout out to Carcharodon carcharias.
Good-looking shark right there.
- How's Señor Clown making out? - Yeah, about that...
- Señor Clown. - I want my mommy.
- Shut up. - That kid's head is made of cheese.
- I think it's just a hat. - Well, I mean, still, though.
- Still what? - Well, let's head down for dinner.
And the Ensalada Pollo Loco?
Yeah, chicken caesar salad with salsa.
- It's a big seller. - And the Hawaiian Luau Salad?
Chicken caesar with a pineapple ring, also quite good.
This menu is crap. That's a chicken caesar with crap on it.
- Hey, I don't cook the *** damn food. - How dare you.
- How dare you, you f*****g slag! - Charles, do something.
- This is an outrage. - Buy it.
- Surly staff, million-dollar drinks-- - Calm down.
- I demand more food. - Shut up.
- Sparks, Philly cheesesteaks for everybody. - Oh, yeah. Coming right up, skip.
- I'll shove a cheesesteak up your ass. - Oh, I seriously doubt that.
I'll have that cheesesteak. Either hole, please.
- Where is the money? - Hey, folks, it's Dr. Virjay.
What a totally unexpected yet pleasant surprise.
To what do we owe the pleasure, doctor?
Oh, I am afraid that pleasure is not on the menu tonight, good sir.
- Grave situation? - Oh, yes, a very grave situation.
Listen to that, everybody.
Dr. Virjay has discovered a very rare and very deadly disease down here.
- Good Lord, a disease? - A disease?
Oh, my God, is the food okay?
- Honey, video my reaction. - What is it, doc?
It seems the captain knows more about it than I do. Please continue.
Oh, no, no. You're the medical expert.
Oh, it was I who was third in his class at the Medical College of Mishkotabooty.
- I can only assume so. - Well, then shut up.
Dear guests, I am saddened and indeed quite ashamed...
...to announce I have discovered a deadly virus on Sealab.
- I'll bet there's no cure. - Damn it, man, I'm telling it.
- Well, what is it? - What is it?
Yeah, since you know so damn much.
Shut up. This disease is so new and rare that it does not have a name yet.
- Nice catch. - Shut up. And the best course of action...
...is for you all to leave immediately.
Wait, shouldn't we be quarantined until you find out what it is?
- Ordinarily, yes. Now, get out. - Wait a minute, what about our children?
- What about our children? - The children must be quarantined.
- But you said-- - Woman, there's no time.
- Get your fat ass out of here. - Joey, where are you?
- Nicely played, doctor. - How can you say that so smugly?
I have violated the Hippocratic oath.
Well, what am I supposed to do with these?
- Oh, Phillies. Dig in there, doc. - No, no. My religion forbids it.
Oh, what do you care? You're going to hell anyway for the hippopotamus thing.
- Oh, we do not believe in hell. - So, what's stopping you?
Well, they do smell delicious.
If you've never had a Philly melt in your mouth...
...you shouldn't even be allowed to use that word.
- Oh, Krishna, forgive me. - Yeah, baby!
Now, is that not the best damn thing you've ever shoved in your curry hole?
It's like there's a party in my mouth and everybody's--
Hey, whoa, take it easy, man.
- I think I have a fever. Oh, my God. - I don't know what to eat.
- I have a fever. - Oh, my kidney's are on fire.
Hey, don't forget your farewell drink.
- Dish it up, cookie. - How do you expect us to drink...
-...when we're riddled with disease? - Speak for yourself there, bub.
- Hit me again there, cookie. Yeah. - Well, they're free.
Oh, well, thank God, because I might as well get something free out of this suckfest.
- That's the spirit. - All aboard, "sheeple."
Well, thanks to my tourism commercial...
...we made enough money off those stupid tourists to pay back the bank...
...for the money I borrowed to make that commercial...
...to get tourists to come down here.
And, Quinn, you sure your part of the plan's gonna work?
I put enough sodium amytal in those drinks to erase an elephant's memory.
So they won't remember anything about coming to Sealab?
They won't remember who they are.
Plus, Stormy took them to a desert island swarming with huge feral cats.
- Isn't this great? - Oh, my God, this is wonderful.
- Awesome. - Oh, my God. This is really exotic.
- I think I saw a Kitty cat. - Lock at that kitty.
Are you done with the pig's head? You gonna eat that?
- So they'll all probably die. - Yeah.
- Man, I hope you learned your lesson. - Sure.
- Hey, where are those stupid kids? - Oh, they're fine.
I said rare, you little munchkin.
I want the blood to dribble down my chin...
...as I sink my burly incisors into the well-marbled flesh.
- Do you know where my mommy is? - Who am I, The Rockford Files?
Sweet mother of God, when are we going to eat?
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